If I had a dollar

What’s something most people don’t understand?

So many submissives and dominants have it wrong.

Don’t come at me! This isn’t a one twu way post preaching my way is the right way. God knows many people would point out all the ways I’m to soft, not enough of an ice queen, not prancing around in leather all the time, laughing when I should be scowling 😉

But I digress. This is about a top vs a dominant, and a bottom vs a submissive.

You might be surprised that as a dominant I LOVE to bottom, or that as a submissive I will top whenever I have the chance. See, it’s not the bedroom games or the lack of power or amount of it you have when doing the mattress mambo.

I’ll drop the this is subjective and my thoughts are my own bla bla bla bit, followed up by saying this is my observations after 6 plus years in the lifestyle. I’m no expert, but damn this pattern is frustrating!!

Just because you want someone to do all the kinky things to you (bottom) does not mean you’re a submissive! Can a sub like lots of kinky stuff done to them? Sure! But what sets the stage for genuine submission is surrender, not when you let what YOU want lead and have no desire to give over control unless it gets you off or floaty ( mmm sub space) or when you want to. The trend in this is it’s all about YOU. That line of thinking is soooo far from the root of what submission is about. It should be about what the dominant wants.

The same can be said for a dominant who only wants to do kinky things (be a top) while saying they are more. Generally someone who seeks out a D type does so because they want to feel things. I should point out I’m not talking about play partners or scene based play, for those a top bottom combo calling themselves a dominant or sub is fair enough. What I’m speaking of is for those of us who live and breathe this lifestyle. The ones who need to feel owned, or small, or in control, or utilized, or looked up to. All those things are glaringly absent when a top pretends to be a dom.

I speak from a spot of experience as a switch who had many tops moonlighting as dominants. Eventually the sub space from all the delicious play fades and you just want to be utalized. So you want, and wait, and eventually feel hollow, and then one day the play isn’t enough.

Knowing the difference will save countless frustration and emotional pain. There is nothing wrong with being a top or bottom, but don’t mislabel yourself. Think about your reasoning for doing what you do, if it’s about getting off and pleasure or about cultivation or surrender. When you can pin point that you’ll have better knowledge to use labels that better fit.