Month: May 2019

Release

Togetherness can feel like solitude. Caught in the breathless suspension of waiting. Tension builds and it’s consuming everything just to hold on, not to give in. Rapture taunts just out of reach. Why is it being evasive?

Jumping and dancing anything to bring it closer. The need is almost painful now. A endless game of cat and mouse sucking them dry. Where did the Hotwire go? It feels like coals.

When it happens the rush washes over them like a ocean. They are lost and pulled under. Eventually they come up for air. Once again to begin the endless treading of water.

Waiting

Aching

Burning

For release

Camouflage

The click of her boots on the cold tile keeps pace with her heart.

Across from her the figure of a man is still. His eyes are downcast and he makes no move to lift them as the woman approaches. His breath fills the spaces between her footfalls.

She stops. Closer now. The space between them to far to bridge with a fully extended arm. Her perfume however floats around them both with a dream like ease.

“Eyes,” she whispers. It’s much easier to disclose a tremble amidst the breath of a whisper then the brutality of a bark.

His breath seems to catch as he raises his eyes to her face. The magnitude of her presence was strong even before he saw her. Her voice now pulled the magnets that held him captive and he was incapable of resistance.

She walked to him then. Freeing them both of the last bit of distance. Her hand ghosted his cheek. Manicured fingernails found their spot amidst his hair and stroked and scratched.

His eyes closed for the briefest of moments but snapped open again when the soothing touch turned harsh.

“Eyes,” she said again. The whisper had grown in volume to a soft growl. He felt the soft flutter of desire begin its rhythm from somewhere inside him. His eyes once again met her face.

With her fingers firmly in his hair a sharp tug was the only thing needed to convey her next order. In a almost graceful motion he went to his knees.

She stood there in silence. This part was where she could become lost. Her eyes drank in the man before her and she swallowed back the overwhelming emotion. Her hand now returned to its gentle pet.

Fingers sliding down his cheek to his jaw she lifted his chin so he was looking up at her. She could feel him swallow against the palm of her hand and she shivered from the fragility of the motion.

“You are mine,” she said. Her voice was level now. Gone was the hesitation replaced by the comfort of ownership and role. “Say it,” her hand now rested on his shoulder.

“I am yours,” his voice was soft as he echoed her words. His eyes almost appeared heavy as he looked at the woman who stood above him.

“Good boy,” she said. Her hand trembled slightly as she stroked his cleanly shaven cheek.

Stepping back from him she allowed herself to take him in once more. With a deep breath she spoke again.

“Up,” jjst quickly as he had fallen he once again found his feet. Just like that the spell had been broken.

Moving forward the two embraced. A smile on both their faces. Their roles were much like the invisible thread that pulled them toward one another. Easily unseen but always just under the surface.

Blur

In the mist of half awake

Your breath is a constant by my side

In the silent darkness of our room

Your warmth mirrors mine in our bed

Together we are suspended in a foggy alertness

As hours pass by like the patter of rain outside

The world is unfocused

Made soft by the blur of sleeps call

Slowly we fade out together

Incorporating play

It’s said a good quality to find in a life mate is that ifs someone you can laugh with. With miss of my long term partners this has rang true in one way or another. With daddy it’s something above all the others though.

I’ve wrote the last little while about how stressful the past week or so has been. Some days I’ve cried against master more then I think he has seen in our entire time together.

For all the tears of stress and frustration I’ve lost though he has always managed to make ones of laughter fall as well. It’s hard to explain the things he does because from the outside I’m not sure if anyone would get it. But he knows how to take me from crying to laughing. If that fails he can at the very least get a smile from me even if things are dark and scary.

One could say this is a DDLG dynamic or just a quality or a good partner. I personally think it’s both. I know when it’s my partner feeling sad I do my best to lighten the mood with humour. It’s a good way to cut tension and ease off the pressure.

How does play surface in your dynamic or your day to day with your partner? For me it’s something that I couldn’t go without.

Littlespace

These days have held a lot of stress for me. It’s all been building from last Saturday piling and piling up. As the pressure builds I’ve noticed something.

When I’m scared or stressed or breaking down my little side comes to the surface. I’ve spent the last few days glued to my stuffy. Today I had hot chocolate. The other day I took my sons colouring supplies from his room and drew a picture.

All in attempts to block out the chaos of adult life. Sometimes it works. Lots of fhe time it doesn’t. My mind runs circles and it’s hard to make it stop when I’m lost in over thinking.

I knelt with my head in daddies lap a few nights ago. His hand went to petting my hair and it was better then any stuffy or picture or hot chocolate. It calmed me when the rest of my attempts could not. Sometimes the only way to stop holding on is to let go.

Stress and worry

It’s been a long day that still hasn’t ended. Daddy is awake from the surgery but had really high blood pressure and needed medication to bring it down. Now they need to see it will go back up again when the medication leaves his system. So I’m anxious.

It’s a waiting game, and yet another thing for me to over think. Sitting in that waiting room watching minutes pass by without any word was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced.

Now that I know daddy is okay, I’m less afraid and more annoyed and frustrated. He needs to take better care of himself. Smoking the equivalent of a pack of day, regular drinking, pot pills, all these things can’t help with this blood pressure. It’s so high they want him to get on medication for it. This is just stressful to me.

Our relationship holds a 10 year age gap. And I find myself selfish in wanting all the time I can get with him. These vices literally things he enjoys are taking that time away from me and it makes me sad and angry.

I can’t control him. I can’t make his choices, but if I could I would stop all this shit so we can have as long of a happy healthy life together as possible. Because he is my master and my keeper and my daddy and I will be lost the day I don’t have him beside me. The hope is this scare will help him get to the same page as me.

6 candles

Light up your face almost as much as the excitement sparkling in your eyes

Today took forever to come and will end to soon

Your friends make up your world in this moment

You play and laugh with abandon as you change before my eyes my body once housed you from the outside world

Now you walk through it with exuberance and curiosity

In a breath you blow out the candles

And just like that another year passes

The danger of expectations

One of the things I learned when going to al-Anon meetings was about just how dangerous expectations can be. We hold so tightly to them and hold people to impossible nights. We get stuck in them and hold them high to avoid compromise.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t have any. Someone with no expectations in my opinion is lacking a lot of self worth. But it’s important to realize the ones that you do have are realistic or able to be changed if they are not.

These past few days have been really difficult for master with the kids. These past few weeks really. It’s really difficult for me as I’ve been left by previous partners over my kids. So I’ve been on red alert for a while.

The long and the short of it is it comes down to expectations. What he thinks they should and shouldn’t do for their age, what they should and shouldn’t get away with. And I’m tasked with figuring out how to make sure he feels heard as a coparent, yet tell him when he is off base. It’s fucking hard. It’s fucking terrifying. It’s exhausting and all kinda of self doubt likes to creep in to add it’s own voice to the mix.

I remind myself he is new to parenting when I feel like a failure because he gets upset over something small. I push down the voice that says he will leave if the kids yell one more time and remind myself this is life with two young kids. The hard part for him though, he missed that memo. He is just learning what it’s all about. And I’m the one who reminds him. He’s a really hard dance.

I constantly have to fight my own issues. I have to remind myself he is new. I have to remind myself not to be triggered when he needs validation or gets angry with the kids. But I also have to stand up for them and me when I feel he is off base. It’s so hard. It messes up my dynamic. If messes with my hesd. It makes me feel like I’m flipping the tables on him and this is the reality of juggling a dynamic with real life.

Tonight had us talking when the kids go to bed. Tomorrow is Es 6th birthday, and Friday is daddies surgery. It’s lots of stress around here, but at least we are slowly working through it

The reality of juggling a dynamic with children

Today we celebrated Es 6th birthday with all his school friends. We held it at a park, and of course it rained. I mostly stayed seated while throngs of people bustled around me.

Most of the moms kept to themselves. My ex in-laws were quiet as well. Thankfully master and my friends were there. They kept me from feeling to out of place amidst the hustle of it all.

When we got home I sat on the bed in the dark. E was keeping busy with his new toys. Me, I was cold to the bone and completely drained from all the people around me. I was tender from my fathers behaviour towards James. I was feeling sorry for myself that not one of those other parents spoke to me. At one point one even assumed my ex mother in law was Es mother. It was a very very long day.

Lots of days are long. Tomorrow had karate and yet another pro d day from school. The next day holds work and school and a pre surgery appointment for daddy. And amidst all of this i do my best to do the small things that set our relationship apart from vanilla.

Some days I can hardly work up the energy to have sex let alone get made to cum for hours. Some days I don’t take off my pjs let alone put on something sexy. But I tru to do my tasks. I hold tight to our ritual before bed to remind myself that this isn’t just two partners. I remind myself that he is my keeper and I am his.

Last night both the kids fell asleep early, so I drew daddy a picture of a cat. I could have zonked in the couch but I wanted to feel little.

The truth is life and a dynamic, especially one you want to go beyond the bedroom doesn’t always come naturally. Sometimes you almost have to force it. Hell sometimes as I said it’s a good day if I can stay awake long enough to have sex let alone kinky sex.

The thing is though, before the dynamic is the relationship. As much as I need a master and someone to bring out my little from time to time, I also can’t turn off from parenting, or working, or day to day life. There are always going to be things happening around us. So I try to sprinkle easy things through the day to day that show we are more then that.

Today was a day where things felt more relationship then dynamic. The next few weeks will probably feel that way. Through this time I’ll still get to do my tasks. I’ll ask for lap cuddles and draw silly pictures and try to finish my tasks. But above all of that I’ll be beside my person. Day to day drains us both, but in the exhaustion we stand strong beside one another, regardless lol d how front and centre our dynamic is.

How do you juggle a kink dynamic amongst work and or family life? Do you have little things you do to keep the head space? Share in the comments if you have any thoughts and remember there is no one true way. Do what works for you 🙂