Daydreams of hope

Perhaps things are better? Maybe I’m so desperate I’ll ignore the truth. He still doesn’t know.

Today he put my collar on me and I felt lighter. I felt safe. For the briefest of moments. And then I opened my mouth.

“Does this mean your staying?”

He was petting my hair when he spoke.

“I have to try don’t I? I can’t bring myself to leave.”

And yet there is a fear in me and I still can’t relax. I feel like I’m losing my mind. This trying will probably last up until he gets his teeth and then he will change his mind again.

And somehow, somehow even though I’m smart and strong I’ll be shocked. I’ll break apart like I didn’t see it coming. And then I’ll be furious with myself for allowing it to happen.

Because hope and love are terrible things when they are being used against you.

I should be happy he says he will try. But try and stay are two very different things. I’m terrified.

Sleepwalker

I go about my day feeling detached. He came home with his loans and informed me he didn’t drop out. But he is still leaving he said he is thinking of couples counselling. But he is still leaving.

It blares in my head. Leaving leaving LEAVING!

And I’m gasping and sobbing as I let the dog out. My hands are shaking when I brush my hair and I look at someone far away in the mirror.

Everything is turbulent. I’m fine until I’m not. I’m strong until I’m not. I’m done until I’m not.

I have no idea what will happen, how it will turn out. I know I’m breaking and I wish I had a daddy that cared to hold me together. That loved me enough to stay.

When love isn’t enough

It finally crumbled. As I knew it would. He is leaving me. Because of the kids. Because I won’t let him get slur drunk because it makes me feel unsafe. Because he doesn’t think we are on the same page with kink wants.

Another one who doesn’t want to try. Who thinks walking away is easier. All I can do is let him go.

The shoe dropped

Or I should say I know it will.

“If it were just you I would die a happy man”

It’s Thomas all over again. This one lasted 6 months. This one move 3000 miles to be with me. This one also didn’t know what he wsnted.

He hasn’t came out and said he is done yet. But he will. I know it like I knew Thomas would. No amount of begging or pleading could make him stay. It won’t work this time either.

I’m breaking yet again. All because of someone who used me to figure out what they couldn’t be.

A small part of me jones tomorrow he will say he is staying. I’ll be surprised if he does. But a little girl can hope. The one who somehow still believes in the power of love

When it’s bigger then you

These past days have been very confusing for me. Feeling like I’m playing house while the fate of my relationship sits on a razor thin edge.

I fluctuate between detached and clingy, angry and loving, feeling submissive and wanting to top the hell out of him.

Sometimes though it’s not a conscious response. Sometimes my submissive side slips through the cracks and it’s only after I realize.

I’ve asked over the past few days if there is anything he wants from me I just can’t bring myself to the robotic question of how can I be of service. I’m always met with a no or I’ll tell you if I think of anything. Like throwing a rock in a ocean. Still though I’ll tidy something or fold laundry or offer to make him a smoothie or ask him to put my collar back on me. Still I flounder around.

Last night I had the first emotional out burst. Sure I’ve cried but last night I left angry. I told him I didn’t have him come here to play house, as the tears slid down my cheeks and my hands shook while I fumbled to grab my purse.

Then I left.

When I came back his voice held the slur that sets my teeth on edge. The one that indicates he was self medicating his issues and was 3 coolers in. So I went to bed.

“I hate it when your voice sounds this way.” My voice was small in the darkness of my room when I was pressed against him. In my mind I screamed at myself for being so pathetic. “It’s not daddy,” I said as a tear slid down my cheek and I tried to get lost in his heartbeat.

There was that word again. That title that slips out when I’m sleepy or vulnerable or scared or hurting. In the darkness my mind mocked me over something I could not control.

And it kept me up for hours. The thoughts that circled around in my head. Until I woke up.

At his feet. My arms wrapped around his foot as if I could stop them from becoming metaphorically cold. As if I could stop him from running.

I was curled in a ball. My head burrowed against the blanket. And my mind sleepily whispered how pathetic I had once again become. Hoping a man sees the worth in me.

It’s when we are soft our true colours show. I took comfort from something he hasn’t gave me in a long time, and I didn’t even know I was doing it. Only at his feet, in the most vulnerable of places, could I relax enough to drift away.

When I woke up this morning I felt shame at my weakness. Then anger at my need to seek the feeling of submission. Then nothing as I sat up and wiped the drool from my face.

The things that make us can be the things that break us. The people who say love can shatter us. The things we fear and resist the most can give us the most tranquility. These days are turbulent to say the least. I’m just here bouncing around and waiting.

Insignificant

Every time you dodge a question

As if I never asked

I feel myself

Slipping away

Every time you hold me close

Like nothings wrong

I want to relax in your arms

But you’ve made it so I can’t

Why won’t you stop this?

When did love get so cold?

How long till I crack?

From this feeling of worthlessness

Throwing darts in the dark

I gaze off in the silence

Feel myself slip a little more

And I toss out another call to you

To think of what once mattered

There is nothing to aim for

But I throw anc throw

Hoping to make contact with anything

To bring you home

A unpleasantly familiar circle

“I just don’t know what I want,” he says.

It feels like falling and waiting to crash.

And waiting…..

“I just don’t know if I can be happy,” he says.

And I’m back to clinging to Thomas begging him to please not leave me.

I’ve come full circle again. The names have changed yet the feelings are the same.

It’s another waiting game to see if I’m worth the effort. To see if dealing with personal demons is easier then blowing up a relationship with huge potential.

It’s hard not to talk as if I already know the answer. Thomas wouldn’t stay, why would janes? It’s easier to run and drink it away.

The hardest part of it all is I’ve been here before. After a assault that left me in shaky legs and moving in to my new home. I begged and pled for my lifeline to not leave me. It was easier for him to walk then fight.

This time I’m not so shaky. While the choice hasn’t been made yet, the not knowing and deliberation makes me feel like it already has. This time if or when I’m left behind at least I know it will be me who is the lifeline he is walking away from, not the other way around.

This time I will not beg and plead. I’ve cried a ton. I’ve logically laid out all the reasons why he is sabataujing things. But ultimately I can’t maid up his mind. If he leaves me I will let him walk away from the life he could have. The one that holds countless opportunities for growth and love and happiness.

Sure if he goes I will break. I always do. But I will come back together again knowing I have my purpose. If all else falls away and I’m left again, I’ll always have my kids.

When you choose to hurt for love

Its easy to promise someone the sun and moon when your not in it. It’s easy to underestimate someone’s need for a dynamic and assume a wonderful partner will make them forget.

It’s always there. In the back of my mind. Telling me I swore never again to let parts of myself go for anyone other then me. And I guess in a way it is for me. To stop it hurting so much.

I removed the dynamic from the table because I felt like it was a after thought amidst all the day to day. I could feel resentments building every time I had to drag dominance out of him. So I stopped.

The other day I took a shower. As the water fell on me I lowered myself to my knees and let my tears slip down the drain with my submission.

This was the last time I would let myself cry over this. This was the last time I would kneel. Like all the other times it was my choice. This time though I did it to let go. Not in some childish dream that if I did it enough it would fill the gap, that he would know what to do, that he would want to learn.

I spoke to him about it Sunday. He was surprised by my vocalization of a dynamic that does not exist. He said he will think on it. But now there is school and then we had the kids and before that it was his teeth or his feeling like he wasn’t enough or insert any number of reasons. There will always be one to back burner one persons need that is another’s to do on a list of other things like laundry and lunches. Lifestyle fits in there to. It also starts with L.

But he really is a amazing partner. The kids love him. He helps out in so many meaningful ways around the house. He makes me laugh and can always make me smile when he boops my nose. I believe his love is genuine and if I can be patient it will come out in the end.

But it hurts. As the distance once did, but I pushed through. We both did. So I swallow the discomfort of something missing. I deal with the bitter pill of a dynamic that isn’t here from my lover I met on a kink site. I give up trying to force it and just be.

I enjoy our dates, and our cuddles, and our shows. I fall in love more when I watch him parent with me. I remind myself Rome wasn’t built in a day. I ignore the sting that I thought he needed this as much as I do, a dynamic AND a partner. Not one or the other.

But as I foolishly told him one night over the phone when many miles separated us, I would give it all up to have you. Foolish in love me didn’t realize I would actually have to. Maybe that’s why he came, I hung myself with my own words.

All of what we have and had and can have, is not worth giving up on. So I say my bit and dry my hair and eyes and carry on. With faith and love. And hope and trust.

10 months

Hard to believe what we set in motion with a message. Then a phone call. Then a flight. Then a move. Here we are.

These days life is busy and time passes quickly. Back thin it felt like it dragged on forever. It held the promise of a dynamic and a partnership that spurred us forward with eyes full of love.

These days we are figuring out how to build the things you promised me. I’ve cried and been angry and hurt and felt disenchanted and sold something that never really existed. I still love you though. For me it’s never held conditions. I’m the type that loses myself in perusing love with the one I decided to give it to.

Here I stand. I love you.