Explorations of kink, love, and life
If you wish to know me
You will have to know yourself
Because I want to know you
I want to unpack your mind
Peel back your layers one by one
Until I uncover your beautiful heart
I ache to walk in your dreams
So together we can make them reality
And I can watch you in your joy
You will need to be brave
Held in my arms spoken in whispers
You will spill out your fears
We will be like magnets
Pulled together by our need
To uncover the mystery of one another
A email this morning. He made it okay. He misses me. He is sleeping better already.
Really? That last part was a little uncalled for. What does one even think, good for you? I’m happy your feeling better after leaving me? It just caused me pause. It’s like a costumed slap in the face. Another one.
The strange thing is my emotions these days. Last night I cried for 20 minutes before I went to bed. It made me angry. I don’t want to cry about this any more. I don’t want to be knocked off balance every time feelings surface. He is gone and I want to be done hurting.
But when I read the email other then being baffled at his sprinkle of cruelty, his small twist at the knife, I didn’t really feel much. That is how life is these days. Small blips of pain and little more.
I laugh with my friends and the kids. Sometimes I get excited about something and I’ll feel the little in me want to bubble to the surface. I swallow her down and let it pass and life goes on. I hope the same will happen with what he has left me with.
The kids leave today and when they come back I’ll have a 3 year old. Kid free to the 11th and no one or nothing to do. I’ll probably go on dates, spin my wheels, but it’s only a motion, just a distraction. If the right one came along I wouldn’t be able to see it these days
There is a shifting in my core. I’ve been left so change from the depth of pain he caused me. Something inside me snapped, or went in to hiding. But I am no longer who I was.
The idea of kneeling for anyone makes me want to scream. It makes me sick to think of being that girl any more. The one who trusted. The one who looked up at her keeper, her entire world reflected in her eyes. I’m angry with her. I’m frustrated with her desperation for acceptance and belonging and for someone who stays.
So I’m switching to the other side of my slash. I don’t know if it will be safer, but maybe the love from a submissive will make me feel valued. All the love from dominants has done is make me feel worthless. I’ll never do to anyone what these careless ones have done to me. I for sure know what not to do.
I’m not looking for a relationship. The idea of loving anyone makes me sick. But I wouldn’t mind feeling powerful and desirable. I wouldn’t mind being able to make someone want me instead or me uselessly wanting them. I wouldn’t mind seeing someone kneel because they see ME as worth it.
I still want to be topped. I need it actually. I need to be hit so hard my body aches and the tears I cry are a entirely different kind. I need to float off from the feel of impact. I need all these things. But the girl who knelt no longer exists in me any more.
Never again.
“Daddy!” she exclaimed as she greeted him at the door. She bounced with excitement. It had been to long without seeing him. That was super duper awesome on its own. But daddy had told her he had picked her up something special. So her normal daddy’s home excitement was even more then normal.
“I missed you so much!” she said, immediately wrapping around him. This was normal when he returned home but today she clung on even tighter.
He smiled and wrapped her up tight lowering his nose to breathe in the scent of her hair. “Hello little one,” he said and ran his hands over her back. “I’m so happy to be home.”
She nuzzled his jaw with her nose before giving it a playful nip. This prompted a swat to her butt that made her squeal and giggle. The play between them in their day to day held a special kind of warmth that even vanilla types couldn’t help but smile at.
He untangled her long enough to get himself a seat on the couch. She wasn’t close behind him and with a smile he opened his arms. She launched herself on to his lap and took up her spot, wiggling and kissing his neck and jaw as she burrowed against him.
Tilting his head back slightly to allow her easier access he closed his eyes. The love of a babygirl was all consuming and he adored every minute she spent with him like this.
“Did you forget about your gift princess?” He really had tried to keep the chuckle from his voice, but it broke through as he felt her begin to bounce excitedly. Of course she hadn’t. Leaning sideways he toppled her off his lap on to the couch. Squealing she allowed herself to fall knowing she was never in any real risk. She did however pull him down right along with her laughing with abandon now and smacking him as they toppled together.
“Careful Baby,” he said, attempting to sound threatening, “I can return it.”
She froze for a second or two before bringing her hand up to his cheek. It could have been a caress if not for her nails that pressed warningly against his cheek.
“You don’t mean that darling.” Suddenly the energy shifted between them. Gone was the babygirl, replaced by a entirely new woman. Her eyes were dark. She licked her lips and leaned forward, pressing them to his. A soft chuckle now, nothing like the giggle before as she took his lip between her teeth.
“You don’t mean that,” she spoke with his lip in her mouth.
“No mistress,” his voice now a whisper. She felt his arousal immediately. She had been wet ages ago.
“Good boy,” she said and released his lip so he could retrieve the package.
It was almost comical. The moment the mistress clashed with the babygirl. she bounced and shook the box slightly, but her presence hummed with a different energy. He never took his eyes off of her.
Inside the box was a leather paddle. A Phoenix on one side. She tapped it against her hand a few times, closing her eyes and tilting back her head. Lifting it to her nose she inhaled the scent of the leather. Her breath left her in a rush.
“Rock paper scissors?” she said standing slowly.
“Yes,” he said and raised his hand. “1, 2…”
Laughing she pushed his hand down with the paddle. “I mean it is my gift,” and she stuck out her tongue.
And just like that the energy shifted again. She felt it in her core as she jumped out of the way from his grasp and bolted towards the stares.
“I’m going to beat you black and blue you fucking little brat,” he growled. He wasn’t far behind her.
“Daaaaaddy!” She squealed and flopped on the bed sticking her butt in the air.
As he flipped her dress she looked at him from over her shoulder with a smile. “Just make sure you do it right so I don’t have to show you how it’s done later.
“Yes mistress,” although the voice was a growl rather then one of obedience as he lifted the paddle he had snatched high in the air.
“Good boy,” she began and moaned as the leather met her skin. “Oh god yes please daddy,” she whimpered and arched her ass higher in the air.
Even though I knew it was for a long time now. He changed his flight and is walking out of my life the same way he came in to it. All his stuff in suitcases boarding a flight.
Me I’m forever changed. I can’t bring myself to take the pictures off my phone. Yet I can’t look at them or I burst in to tears. I can’t bring myself to sleep with anyone because I feel like I’m cheering on a man who doesn’t want me. I can’t find comfort in anyone’s words now because I once took comfort in his and now I’m so broken I wouldn’t know how to accept perfection if it fell in to my lap.
He leaves unchanged and I pick up the mess. I need to try to figure out how to be open again let alone trust anyone again. I need to help heal my children. I need to learn how to no longer hurt over his abandonment of us all.
They are sitting on the couch, one on either side. My youngest sucks her thumb and looks at me with pleading eyes.
“I want janes to come to my birthday,” she says. She will be turning 3. There is no easy way to make the hurt stop for myself, let alone her. I can’t possibly explain the reason why he left. I make up some reason about schooling and break just a little more on the inside to keep them safe.
“I know you so baby but he had to leave and go back to the states because of his school.” Not even the half of it. He didn’t want to be a stepparent. He didn’t want all the things he lulled me with. He woke up one day and made up his mind and drew it out to the very last minute twisting me up. But I kept my babies safe. As best I could.
“But I love James,” she says. It’s all I can do not to cry. I want to go in my room and scream in to my pillow until my lungs burst.
J love him to. I love him so damn much I ignored so many warnings and put all myself in to him. I love him and it wasn’t enough. No amount of love could make him stay. Not even the purest kind that comes with no conditions, the kind from a child.
She looks at me as if I have the answers and I’m still trying to find them myself. “I know,” I mumble. I try to keep the tears from surfacing in my voice.
I’m sitting on the couch. My little ones are on either side of me. I feel like they are the pillars holding me up. I feel like without them I would spiral so deeply in my sadness I wouldn’t be able to find my way out. I feel like a awful mother for leaning on them in this way, they couldn’t possibly understand. Most of all though I feel love for them. The same kind they give me. The kind that doesn’t leave, doesn’t have conditions, and will always come before any man.
Sweet creature
How did you see so much of me?
Your words are like a mirror
You have caught me by surprise
In finding your voice you silenced mine
Leaving me in contemplation
Darling boy
How can I be worthy of you?
When you see all my broken bits
You kneel to retrieve them
Rather then discard them behind
What if you get cut from my jagged edges?
Will you still think me deserving then?
She had told him it would come to this. That one day he would ache for the release from the simple action. But he was stubborn. So caught up in his protective label of dominant. It had taken her a while to break free or her own set limitations.
Once she had clung to her title with a fierceness as if it would make all right. Submissive she would say, but how will you earn it? Just the question a contradiction she tried not to dwell on. Until she couldn’t ignore it any longer. When she finally let go and ventured outside of her self made box things fell in to place.
So she waited. She allowed him to top her. Played good girl and viciously silenced her dominant call alone in the dark of her room with her wand. The waiting was so sweet. It held the charge of certainty. It was just a matter of when.
It was building now. The buzz of energy cracking in the air around then. It sharpened her movements and her tongue.
Soon he would kneel for her.
I’m crying again and my tears feel like acid. I read a article on fetlife from a sub to her dom about how he doesn’t always have to fuck her. Just like that I’m crying again. I wanted to be his safe place.
So I brush the tears from my cheeks. And slap it hard. Sometimes pain is the only thing to help. If I didn’t think it made me crazy here all alone I would hit myself again and again until it all stopped.
I’ve been offered a ride to a play party tonight. I can’t bring myself to to because I feel like I’m cheating on a man who doesn’t want me. And he says, I love you run away with me. And I hit myself again as I sob.
He is still in the country, and yesterday he got his teeth. So of course he expected to see me. To celebrate he said. He called it our victory.
Like anything was “ours” again. Like I still belonged to him. Like he would actually stay.
Foolishly I let him come. I had been fine. Almost 2 weeks and I accepted he was getting on his flight on the 1st and he would walk away from a amazing woman.
I accepted it. Then I saw him. Yet again he is playing games. Ones I opened myself up to when I allowed him to come. I knew better. I thought I was stronger. I’m angry with myself.
I hadn’t cried for over a week, or what felt like progress. Until I was hugging him when he was about to leave.
“I want my daddy back,” and inside my head I’m screaming. Fucking pathetic stupid broken girl. But the tears slide down my cheeks and at least this time he holds me.
I apologize and watch him leave. My hands are clasped in front of me and my knuckles are probably white from how tightly I grip them. I want to vibrate with rage at myself but I stand statue still. Once again he walks away and I drink it in.
Perhaps he just wanted the last drops I had left. Some sort of redo of goodbye. And yet, he now says it’s 50 50 he stays or goes. But then he talks like he is already leaving. Here I am still holding on, and I feel like I’m a puppet on a string. Back and forth.
It’s amazing I haven’t had a mental break down over this. The back and forth and the pain. It has changed me though, muted me, broken me for anyone who follows.
Lips of a Soul 