When we create our own cage

“I want a closed V,” I said.

Daddy laughed and stroked my hair.

“I know you,” he said and held me as i stiffened in his arms.

He doesn’t get to tell ME what I want. He isn’t in MY mind, so he can’t know me. I explained to him how I was exhausted with all the drama, how new relationship energy scared the hell out of me, how I just wanted something strong and dependable on both sides of me, how I was getting older and just wanted things to settle.

He listened while I talked. I wasn’t sure if I was angry or passionate, but my words came out with the strength they normally do when I’m being defiant.

He was telling me I would change my tune when things settled and I wasn’t so hurt. But he wasn’t in MY mind or MY body so he couldn’t be right…..

I updated my profile. I started things back up with the boy, I worked on trying to not notice the ache she left me with, the quiet in the home, the size of the bed without her……

And then I found myself looking at adds. But I wasn’t looking! I was just, keeping a eye on things. Sometimes I would reach out, but it wasn’t really looking….not really. I had the potential half of my V. I’m good. Right? I should be.

I had my mother telling me one relationship is hard enough to keep, why have another? Why make it harder? And not surprisingly I went back to feeling selfish. To letting all those words in comments made by people who don’t know me swirl around in my head. And I pushed it down.

I went back to focusing on building the v. I tried not to look at adds and reach out to people. I tried not to pay attention to messages on Facebook dating. But I would find myself going back. Anoyed at the stupidity of people, the rudeness of people, the shallowness, but I still looked, and I still responded.

Eventually one began to talk to me regularly, with substance. Then another. And suddenly I found myself feeling like I was caged in monogamy again, except it was a v. And this time I put myself in it.

So I sat down with the boy and told him it couldn’t be a closed v when we wernt living together. That even if we did it just felt like another cage, and I couldn’t put myself in it just to help him be more comfortable with polly, just as I couldn’t do so for her. She left. Not in a morally correct way, but she still did. Her choice, she is dealing with the consequences now.

I told him he could Pursue other partners if he likes. I told him he didn’t need to stay. I told him it didn’t change things in regards to how I feel for him. And I admitted to myself I only jumped to a closed v concept because I was hurting from her leaving and didn’t want to keep losing people.

Ultimately though I need to be true to myself and the ones who love me for that, who I am, will stay.

When I told daddy he just laughed. I wanted to hit him but instead I sighed and snuggled against him.

“You were right,” I said and held him a little tighter. He might not be all the things I want him to, but he accepts me for who I am so he does not have to be. This is why he is daddy to me.

Not because he is my dominant, because I have grown beyond wanting one. But he is a watchful guard. He is with me through the ups and downs and watches me make my mistakes while supporting me through them. He is a great top, and provides me the support I need to help accept myself when I’m filled with doubt about if I’m asking for to much.

He reminds me that I am enough as I am, polly, kinky, a top and bottom switch, a baby girl, and full of love to share.

I couldn’t ask for anything better to have beside me as I grow. It’s the day to day embodiment of a daddy, with no power transfer and little kink.

There was a time in my life I would have resented this, pushed for more play or more dynamic, but today I’m happy with it. He lets me be me. I let him be him. And with him beside me I feel safe.

Opening myself up to many is messy. Having the security of knowing he will be here to pet my hair and dry my tears makes it a little less scary. I don’t know if I could do it without him, and that’s the silent kind of power someone has until you realize they do, and it’s a different kind of terror. To know that level of vulnerability is there between us.

As for the boy, he is working through it the best he can. I’m talking to 2 other subs (the only type I will look at for relationships, that or a slave type) and they are both in the early stages.

I’m getting to know them with a healthy dose of skepticism thanks to A. Talk is easy, action is harder.

One C is local, and the other R is not. It’s early days with them both but I’m curious as to where things will go. I like to lead, to guide and teach someone, to earn their submission by simply being myself rather then bending myself in half.

Time will tell if I’m worthy of either one. Time will show how the boy handles these changes. For my part I’m taking things day by day and once again reminding myself it’s ok to be who I am.