I have this silly thing I do caused from past relationships where I avoid doing something if I think it’ll make my D type unhappy or uncomfortable or annoyed or angry with me. On the surface this seems like a logical thing to do, but often the thing isn’t as big a deal in their mind as it is in mine.
Part of this comes from prior partners telling me something is okay and then later finding out it wasn’t in a huge blow up or them leaving me. Or from when I would think something was okay just to get yelled at or left or silent treated over it.
Now I preemptively avoid causing discomfort often at the cost of myself I don’t want to rock the boat or get in trouble or get left. Ironically though most the time the thing isn’t as big to my daddy as it is to me.
It’s a really hard line to walk when you want your D type to be proud of you and stay when all the prior D types left you behind when you thought you were good….
I’ve put so much energy in avoiding his discomfort and then he just looks at me and goes you know it’s okay right? And the thing is, often no I don’t know it’s okay. Why would it be when it never has been? When I know to him perfection would be the monogamy I can’t give him and that he has never asked for.
Invisible eggshells. It’s frustrating when he didn’t break the eggs and I just over complicate things. But today he surprised me when he picked up the broom and helped clean them up.
I’m sure I’ll find more shells. Trauma, abuse, abandonment, wanting to make him happy enough to stay…. Really stay give me his last name stay….sometimes I don’t think I’m good enough for that…. And I wonder if it’s possible….. with all my polly and kids and eggshells….. but he keeps surprising me. Maybe one day he will with that to….
Lips of a Soul 